Grey: oh Kyo…

Kyo: oh Grey…

Jet: oh Jet…

0.o

THIS IS NOT A YAOI FIC!!

*much smashing* we’re sorry, those responsible have been sacked by a moose. My cousin was once sacked by a moose. Very amusing story actually, see the moose was working for the IRS at the time and--

THE HEKSHANTRIX, PART 1

--HEY! Anyway…

A computer screen. Someone is playing Solitaire. He is losing miserably.

Fat Bastard: Ach! I need mi lucky haggis.

Suddenly, a phone rings. Chubby fingers scramble to close the solitaire window and type "Trace." Unfortunatley, they are a bit too chubby. "TgfredaZcvfe34" appears on the screen.

Fat Bastard: Hey, narrator, a bit of ‘elp?

No, you’re the bad guy.

Fat Bastard: ACH!

After much backspacing, the trace program begins. By this time, the phone has been picked up.

Sparky: Wasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

Misuka: -.-++++ Stop acting ghetto. You just look that much stupider.

Sparky: Ehh… right. Sorry.

Misuka: Damn straight yer sorry. Now, is everything in place?

Sparky doesn’t answer. There are noises of grunting in the background.

Misuka: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??

Sparky: uh… ^_^;;; nothing?

Misuka: YOU STUPID FUCKING HENTAI!!

Out of nowhere, a giant punishment hammer flattens sparky, his phone, and his… er… yeah.

The last line of the trace slides into its little neon green spot. "Trace complete. Call origin: 555-555-5555"

Fat bastard: That’s mi own phone number! Ach! Stupid computer, you were supposed to trace the other line!

He promptly eats it.

Fat bastard: Computer, I’m higher on the food chain than you are.

Just so the plot can progress, the narrator gives Agent Fat Bastard the number.

Fat Bastard: This is a 900 number.

Eh heheheh… oops… how’d that get in there…

Here’s the real number.

Fat Bastard: ach. it’s yer first day, isn’t it?

^_^;

ANYWAYS, a pair of cops, namely Jet and Rabin, bust in on Misuka.

Misuka: The fuck?! Can’t you two morons knock?

Jet: Ehehehehe, hey baby.

Rabin has made himself at home, and is sitting in a beanbag chair, listening to some headbangish muzak.

Misuka: -.-++++ out.

Jet: hey, she’s a feisty chi—

Jet is defenestrated. Means "thrown out the window." That’s an SAT word kiddies, write it down.

Stories below…

Police Lieutenant Keoroot and Agent Dick Wood steps out of a black sedan and spends about 10 minutes trying to pull Fat Bastard out. Eventually…

Keo: waitwaitwait… you motherfuckers are named are dick wood and fat bastard?

The agents nod.

Keo: forget it, the jokes fucking write themselves.

-.-;

Keo: yeah… so anyways, I sent in my two special units, plus a million extra shitheads for backup. They should be on their way down already.

A stoned dragon and a horny kitty land on Keoroot’s head.

Keo: FUCKIN’ A!

Stories above…

Misuka: Quit that with the stupid "…" transitions

Gomen.

Yeah. So there’s a bunch of guys all shot up on the hallway, and a bunch more chasing a running misuka to the rooftop. Along the way, fat bastard rolls up behind them.

Misuka leaps across a really wide alleyway and lands on another rooftop. All the cops stop short,

Keo: MOTHERFUCKER! I dunno what she’s smokin’, but I want some!

As the cops stand there watching in disbelief, fat bastard rolls up behind them, and, unable to stop himself, bounces over them and across the alley.

Misuka pulls out a cell phone and quickly hits the speed dial. When it doesn’t ring, she pulls out the manual and reads a few chapters. Eventually, she gives up and dials the number manually.

Soshika: This is the operator. I’m not the leader of a secret resistance trying to fight robot oppression, really.

Misuka: Soshi, work on your answer. And hook me up with an exit!

Soshi: ^_^; hai… there’s a payphone on the corner of 3rd and Clinton.

Misuka: 3rd and 69th?

Soshi: yeppers. Ready? Go!

The ranec drops the phone and sprints for the phone. Fat bastard bounces off it and shoots straight into the air.

Misuka: I hope he doesn’t land on the phone.

Just as Misuka exits the matrix, fat bastard lands on the phone. OKAY, I KNOW THE PLOT IS PREDICTABLE. WORK WITH ME.

Dick Wood walks up behind Fat Bastard.

Dick: Why won’t anyone call me Richard?

FB: Shut yer hole, you walking talking Dick.

Dick: Hey, you can’t talk to me that—

Fat Bastard accidentally rolls over and smooshes him.

FB: ach, that is one smooshed prick

The flattened agent raises a finger

Dick: It’s Dick, not Prick. No wait, Richard. DAMMIT!

But fat bastard isn’t listening. He just kinda rolls away…

FB: what a dick. I’ll just go look for Uno.

Uno? You mean Neo?

FB: ACH! SHUTTUP! Ye’ll have us all arrested for pantent enfrrrrrrringment!

Gomen -.-;

The scene jumps to Grey’s apartment (oh man, imagine what an appartment would look like with the yasha crashin’ there. Big empty black rooms… *drools*)

Grey is sitting there in the darkness, being grey-ish

Grey: -.-;

Suddenly, since grey doesn’t have a computer, a note that says "follow the brown cabbit" floats down from the… uh… creepy old ceiling fan.

Grey: I have no need for cooling devices.

^_^; right… uh… it falls from… uh… the cloud of ominous silence.

Grey: -.-;

Case in point. Anyways, there’s a knock at the door.

Door: knock knock

You’re not in the casting list, you’re an inatimate object.

Door: so’s Grey

All: -.-;

Door: how come he gets all the attention? Yasha yasha yasha!

Grey promptly fries the door with a red blast.

Grey: I hate puns. And I really hate the Brady Bunch Movie.

Me too. Yeah… so behind the door, or the opening formerly known as door, is a rather shaken Gengy.

Gengar: eh… little hot in here

Grey: sorry, I don’t have any ceiling fans.

A fan appears.

Grey: -.-+

Gengy: myaa, much better. Anyway, I thought you might like to meet my new conveniently placed girlfriend.

Grey: aren’t you a female as well?

Hey, whatever. We’re open minded. If yaoi passes for ok, so does yuri. AND IT’S JUST A STORY. AND THEY’RE WEARING ALL THEIR CLOTHES!

Grey: fine by me.

Anyway, out steps Solla. She’s gengy’s… er… girlfriend, Dujour.

Solla: I’M DUJOUR???

You learn quick.

Solla: -.-++++

The author gets behind some bulletproof glass and continues.

Solla: I refuse to be involved in this travesty of theater.

Gengy: I love the stage ^_^

I guess they are thespians.

All: -.-;;;;

What?! It means stage players!

Solla: goodbyyyyyye.

As solla turns to walk away, Grey notices a big brown cabbit attached to solla’s… uh… what is that thing? A toga?

Solla: -.-++

Chibi Soshi: hey! Badass isn’t brown, he’s just dirty!

-.-; Moooving on…

Grey asks Choi where he’s headed.

Grey: you mean gengar

Right. Grey asks Gengy where she’s headed.

Gengy: we’re gonna go… uh… where are we going?

Batting cages?

Gengy: eh, why the hell not

So the trio head over to the batting cages. Keke. Grey

decides to hit the cage with the bat as opposed to the balls, but that’s alright. As he looks across the rows of cages. He notices a ranec pressed against the cage trying to climb over and get to him. She is ranting insanely.

Misuka: mustgetyashayesyesbeigetinyashaspantsprettyyasha yesshinyprettymusthaveyashaoooooogreygottahavehim ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

-.-; that’s disturbing on so many levels.

She manages to scramble over the fence, dodge the balls being shot from pitching machines, and cling to Grey’s legs.

Grey: -.-

Misuka: love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Grey: hey, author, do something about this.

But it’s funny

Grey: -.-++++

Oh fine. Angry yashas just get these yaoi feinds even hotter. Um… the monty python foot boots misuka back outa the matrix.

Gengy: Wasn’t she part of the plot?

Yes, arguably the most important character.

Gengy: you just removed her from her first scene with grey.

I think I’ll do that every scene she has with grey.

Grey: YES HE WILL.

Jeez, calm down. You shouldn’t let your emotions control you.

…

…

…

…

What’s with the eerie silence?

Grey: -.-+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh, right. The whole stoic deal. Gomen.

Grey: -.-++++++++++++

I said I was sorry.

Grey: -.-

Thank you.

Gengy: Hello? Plot?

Righto. Grey goes into work the next day, with a terrible hangover, and--

Grey: I didn’t drink. It was batting cages, not a party

Oops ^_^; well, work with me.

Grey: -.-;

Yeah. So… his boss, Midreak, is pissed as all fuck.

Mid: I’m pissed as all-- I WILL NOT SAY THIS LINE.

Fine fine just move on. *mumble* never hire an astral.

Mid: I heard that.

Yeah yeah.

ANYWAY, midreak chews out grey, who promplty walks away.

Mid: GET BACK HERE!

Grey: no.

Mid: C’MON!!

Grey: uh-uh.

Mid: BUT—

Grey: no.

Mid: -.-+

Anyway, as the hung over grey heads to the elevator, it dings. Seeing a mass of warm bodies, dozens of them, he swiftly goes back to his cubicle. Waiting there is Keo, back once again. He’s in a… er… modified fedex uniform.

Keo: I got tired of pants.

Eh… well, anyway, a fedex uniform SHIRT.

Keo: and shoes.

Right, that too.

Luckily, the shirt is long. Actually, it’s not. But Keo is short.

Keo: fuck you.

Grey: ahem.

Hold up, demon boy. Yeah… so keo gives him a--

Keo: I can fuckin’ speak for myself, stupid shit.

Fine then! *storms out*

Keo: motherfucker. *turning to grey* k daran, I got a phone for you. It rang a while ago, but I told the shithead to go fuck a tree. "Sosheus" or somethin… sounded queer.

Soshi (chibi again): I’m a chick playing a dude’s part. Not a queer dude.

Keo: well, dat works for me. Yer one interesting motherfucker.

Chibi Soshi: thankee.

Keo: uh… right.

Grey: (again) AHEM.

Keo: eh… here’s the phone.

As soon as he hands off the cellular, Keo walks off arguing with the chibi Sosheus over the possibilites of midgits in yaoi.

Ewwww.

The phone rings again.

Soshi (the REAL one this time, not a freaky little floating chibi): The tree had a headache.

Grey: *confused* huh?

Soshi: oh, it’s you ^_^;; weeeellllllllll, it’s imperitive that you get out of there now.

Grey: why?

Of course, as the word leaves his mouth, the elevator opens. Standing there are Agent Dick, Agent Molly The Temptress Princess, and a whole lot of horny knights.

Dick: My name isn’t dick.

Shut up dick. Now, since I don’t like you, the elevator doors close on your dick. By which I mean your whole body. As to Molly, she is chased around the room by a pack of—you guessed it—horny knights.

Knights: SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!

Soshi: that’s why

Grey: oh dear god, it burns!

Soshi: just jump out the window. You’ll be fine.

Grey: are you sure?

Soshi: no, but it’s the fastest way out of the—

Soshi is cut off by the sounds of breaking glass.

Grey lands on the sidewalk, perfectly fine.

Grey: oh yeah, we were in the lobby

-.-;

Soshi: good, now don’t turn around.

Grey: why?

He instinctively turns around, tripping and falling into the Agents’ sedan.

Grey: that was’t funny.

Yes it was. Anyway, they interrogate him. It’s not very effective, considering the fact that… well… LOOK AT WHO I CAST AS AGENTS.

FB: ach, forget it, let’s just stick the thing in his belly button.

Fat Bastard takes out Mini-me from a plastic bag.

Dick: uh… he’s not moving

FB: ACH!

Grey gets fed up, and blasts his way out.

Grey: that was a lot faster than the whole dream thing.

True. Eventually, the phone rings again.

Grey: Sosheus?

Soshi: thaaaaaaaaat’s me.

Grey: -.-;

Soshi: ok, time to meet. Come to the Creepy Old Gothic Bridge, where misuka will take you to Foreboding, Abandoned Motel.

Grey: that sounds a bit ominous.

Soshi: *shrug*

Grey: how would I see her shrug through a phone?

Shut up. Anyways, he goes to the bridge, gets in the car and sees misuka, chained to the seat. And gagged

JDG: sorry, we knew she would be like this so we had to take precautions

Grey: I love you.

JDG: wha?!?!?

Grey: thank you, that is.

All: -.-;

Phantom: just try to ignore her. JDG, get us to Soshi. She seemed very eager to meet grey.

Grey: she won’t be clingy like misuka, will she?

JDG and Phantom both fidget quietly.

JDG: how about this weather?

Phantom: yeah… crazy "el nino."

Grey: I suddenly feel very much like diving out the back winshield

Phantom: *louder* THOSE FLORIDA VOTERS ARE SO WACKY

JDG: *following suite* TELL ME ABOUT IT, I THINK THEY DID THAT FOR ATTENTION.

Hey, old people never get any attention. Be nice.

JDG: no

Yeah, okay.

Eventually, they get to Foreboding, Abandoned Motel. By now, misuka has gnawed through her gag and is ranting about grey’s… uh… ok, misuka is officially in a cone of silence. This is a non-icky chatfic.

Misuka: 0.o++

Haha, you can’t speak!

Misuka: -.-++++++

I shouldn’t taunt her, should I?

Phantom: not if you like your testicles below your waist.

That was unnecessarily graphic.

Phantom: this is a chat-fic. I don’t have a choice.

True.

As they exit the car, leaving misuka to escape from her chains at a later date, grey notices a cloud handing over the motel.

Grey: that looks like a cloud of doom.

JDG: nope, cloud of dumb.

-.-;

the three of them (and a lot of profane gestures following them) enter the building.

Soshi: *clinggggggggggggggggggggg*

Grey: 0.o