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hey whats up

inhuman updated

things have been emotionally a little rough for me lately, with fatigue really taking it out of me some days. sometimes there's also pain (in my legs and feet) but from what the docs all say this is... just something to endure w tamoxifen. but the idea of this for ten years upsets me, and i'm still processing that knowledge i guess.

i have finally started working on replacing our westward wall around the chimney... or at least, opening it up and seeing the damage. yup there it is. water damage. anyway my hope is to at least have this patched for the coming winter in a few weeks. but it's a -messy- job of removing the 70s wood paneling, then the ??? older horsehair plaster under it, then any moldy fiberglass insulation and critter nests inside the wall, then taking care of any obvious issues before replacing insulation and closing it up with a panel of sheetrock. this is the kind of situation the fatigue really upsets me in... BUT i'm doing my best.

thanks to everyone/anyone who threw me a little extra cash tho. it's greatly appreciated. caffeine to combat the fatigue and mmj to combat pain, hours of work on commissions lost because i cant wake up... all these things i guess are honestly a luxury to cope with life recovering from The Big C. sometimes i can only hope someone'll gift me a lil breather while i try to maintain the facade folks really want of being "all better."

tho to be fair, doctors do all tell me i'm looking great considering. just kind of a heavy thing to process when you realize you still -feel- like shit and -dont- think you look better and yet ...you are head and shoulders above what they expected for you.

it really is a lot tho, to try to be 'all better.' like. i know its a traumatic thing, cancer. if you've had to watch it take someone close to you, that's real trauma and it's one a lot of people relate to. and so we tend to avoid talking about it, or turn off when we hear about it, in order to cope with that trauma. but. times are changing. lots more people now live with cancer. or live beyond their cancer treatment, and beat it. but that is also a trauma, and we -need- to talk about it. we need people -not- to shut off when we talk about it. because it's a safety concern. it's a survival concern. life is expensive and hard and germs are more serious to you. when you say 'i need help, post cancer treatment x is hard' you need people -not- to get all uncomfy w their own feelings and leave you in the lurch

.........and yet........ my experience....... is that people really do just... later days on you....

like the first great desertion happens when you're diagnosed. but then you feel a closeness with the people who do stick with you, and that's really important.

and then treatment is done and the second great desertion commences. and honestly feeling still quite vulnerable and having people be like WELL THE WORST IS OVER SO YOURE GOOD NOW RIGHT BYE is... a journey to process i guess.

this upset brought to you by: my wrist is sore after tearing down a third of a wall, and i'm upset i cannot work tirelessly like i could in my 20s, and a fear that my ablebodied days are forever behind me.

er. uh. anyway. shit's hard. please don't shut people out when they reach out in times like this. yeah yeah you gotta care for yourself but here's an unhappy nugget of truth: you very rarely are going to get less stress as life goes on. you just need to learn to adjust to survive changes to it.. and ideally, you need to get so good at doing that that you don't go all 'fuck everyone but me' at the same time. a challenge. a goal. something we can all work on being better at i guess. do your best with me, yknow?

the only person who should have a personality that prickly is peanut, and even she has days where i can tickle her hog tummy or pet her hedgey cheeks.

see you... hopefully soon with another page.
be strong out there.

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